If I were to be brutally honest, I would admit to you that I am one of most judgmental people that I know. It could be because I hear my own thoughts without a filter, have a lot of opinions and most of them I’ve learned not to say out loud. As a young lad I ended up in the principal’s office and I’ve found a way through the years to avoid that place—mainly by keeping a quiet tongue. Nevertheless, the voices that we have in our heads, even when we’ve learned to quiet our mouths; never seem to cease and often turn inward—consuming us in the quietest hours of the night when folks should be fast asleep. As many have come to know this voice as the inner critic, I like to call him “Little Buddy”. Quite a few of my clients have also come up with endearing nicknames for such terrible characters they seem to wrestle with as well.
It has been said that depression and anxiety are two sides of the same coin where the voice of the inner critic either focuses on the past and present (depression) or the dreaded future that is often catastrophic (anxiety). Shame filled sentiments mar our self portrait of past events and present struggles while that same shame hurls its weight into our future endeavours, taunting us that we will never fit in, measure up to or will just make a fool of ourselves. What makes it even more difficult is the fact that we’ve come to assume that everyone is filled with cruel intentions and just keep a nice face. All the while judging us secretly. Yet an honest observation of human beings in our social media landscape tells me that people are so incredibly self-absorbed, they couldn’t be bothered to look past their phones, let alone pay attention to anyone else’s character unless they can take a selfie beside it and boast about it to their small circles of influence.
Even still, we find ourselves constantly judging because we don't want to feel the way that we feel.
I remember the time I met with my first therapist. He was an older and soon to be retired fellow who took no nonsense from his clients. I was an angry young man who was clinically depressed and I wrestled with so much shame. During our first few meetings I went on about how I wasn’t able to keep up with everyone else my age, was letting everyone down and just felt like a complete failure. I remember the moment he stopped me in my tracks during my pity party and said “Paul, listen man, you’re “Shoulding” all over yourself and making a mess of everything and it might be worthwhile to just stop the nonsense, have some bloody compassion and give yourself a break every once in a while”. I remember leaving that session kind of angry at him, but knowing he was onto something.
Shame had me judging so harshly and the change needed to start from within.
To cast judgement is a normal animalistic behaviour. Just about any creature alive is still alive because it is constantly judging if something is going to eat it or if it is going to eat something. Even my dumb sheep out in the field decide which plants will be good for them and which plants will give them a tummy ache! It’s a completely normal process in which we take information, make a decision based on those assumptions, values or beliefs and then act accordingly. What is unfortunate in this process is that for many of us reading, our story is one where someone had taught us to judge harshly and we have then gone and done the same. Maybe it was even a survival process where you learned not to put yourself in a situation again because the way you felt in that moment was so painful, you never wanted to feel it again. Judgement in and of itself is not a harmful process. But the way in which we choose to practice that judgement causes the outcome that will either help or hurt the people around us and most often—ourselves.
The beauty of working through this social aspect is that although my inner critic can say some pretty terrible things, it is simply part of the way I process and not the whole. If we can come to peace our own story and with why those thoughts come up, where they might be coming from and how they’ve come to be; we can actually approach that critic with compassion instead of fear and we can change the way we view ourselves. And to further this thought pattern, we can also extend this to the people around us. We can judge them, not in a way that is harsh or demeaning, but with compassion, adoration and awe. We can sit down on a park bench and watch their stories unfold in front of us and realize just how complicated, messy and downright beautiful the people we pass on the street really are and come to a new appreciation of the world we live in. And yes, there are some crusty, nasty people out there who say and do some pretty terrible things. But they really are the minority because as the country artist Luke Bryan says “I believe most people are good and most mama’s ought to qualify for sainthood”.
If you find yourself struggling with that inner critic, I encourage you to consider its story, how it has come to be and to maybe see if there’s another way to interact with it. Maybe the way of compassion instead of the typical harsh go-tos that it seems to default with. Any hey—if you ever want to talk it out with someone who has their own “little buddy” he wrestles with to this day, feel free to give me a shout. As always, I’m only a phone call or email away.
Sorry it’s been so long since my last article folks, I’ll try to keep up with it more often!
Until Next Time,
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