Jerry* was a middle aged man who had difficulties with self-esteem and mental health. He was diagnosed depression, a mood disorder and came from a tumultuous family environment. Having tried therapy in the past when diagnosed 3 years prior, he was hesitant to reach out. Since then Jerry had been continually bothered by a nagging voice in the back of his mind that kept telling him that he was no good. The result of these negative thought patterns left Jerry feeling stuck, depressed and isolated as he had to cut himself off from family and friends. Jerry reached out to me through the referral of a pastor who knew that I was meeting with people pro-bono while working for a church in waterloo. Over the course of about 6 months, Jerry was able to confront and overcome some though issues.
Jerry's story is not uncommon. His narrative represents many others who wrestle with their own negative thought patterns which hold them prisoner from trying new things in life, forging new relationship patterns and truly loving themselves. I have a suspicion that we all hold onto some negative thought patterns which keep us from living the lives that we really want to live. In light of this, here are 3 ways in which we can confront these thought patterns in order to overcome them:
1. Explore the Tone When confronting negative thought patterns, curiously explore what tone that you hear when the negative patterns arise. I hold onto a theory that the negative voices which we carry are the voices which we had been exposed to in the past. Perhaps it was a parent, a teacher, a sports coach or a friend. In our society, it is often the voice of media outlets projecting an unattainable image which sends a message of discontent, luring us to purchase some sort of product. For many, exploring the tone of a negative thought is a difficult process as it can bring back painful memories of abuse, shame and humiliation. This is where exploring these voices with the help of a trained professional can be of some assistance. Regardless, in order to heal the wounds which we carry, it is imperative that we uncover or expose both the wound as well as the one who gave it. Only then are we able to confront the negative thought for what it really is; as well as the perpetrator for what they had done.
2. Affirm Your Value (5 to 1 principle) This principle is straight out of the work of the Gottman's relationship research. The idea behind the 5:1 principle is that couples who experience 5 positive interactions over 1 negative interaction are able to remain healthy, even if they have a fight every once in a while. You may have heard in the past that it takes five positive thoughts to counteract every negative thought. So put it into practice! If you are having a nagging thought that seems to always drag you down, write down 5 positive aspects about yourself. With this exercise, you don't overlook your own faults; but counteract them with more positive feedback. Although this principle was developed to help couples thrive in their interactions, it can also be beneficial as you relate to yourself in a positive way.
3. Embrace Your Humanity As we begin our journey to wholeness, it is important to remember that we are nothing more and nothing less than human. It is often a distortion of pride which creates a negative self-image. Pride can manifest itself in two ways:
The more common manifestation of pride is an overcompensation of accomplishment. Perfectionists are often praised in our society, yet when they drive themselves to their limit, they become depressed as they cannot reach the unattainable goal in which they have set. The other manifestation is the projection that a person will never amount to anything and that they are not good at all. These two views often come from a black and white perspective of the world; when in reality, we need to embrace the shades in order to grasp a healthy perspective of ourselves. John Bradshaw writes, "to be human is to have limitations". When we are able to embrace ourselves, our whole selves, we are able act in ways which are life-giving and life-loving.
Negative thought patterns may have the ability to immobilize us; but there are ways in which we can address and overcome these issues. These are simply three of many ways in which we can combat negative thought patterns. If you find yourself "stuck" in the rut of negativity and you just can't seem to shake off "the blues", I encourage you to reach out. Far too many people suffer silently and alone as their negative thoughts overcome their ability to treat themselves well and to love the people around them as they wish they could. And if you're ever in the Sudbury area and are looking for someone to help you along the way through counselling or psychotherapy services, please give me a shout.
Until Next Time,
*For the sake of confidentiality, Jerry's name, age, gender and identifying details have been changed.