One of the biggest reasons why someone may seek a therapist is because they are looking for ways to improve their relationship. I would say that the majority of these folks tend to call when things are really getting rough in the relationship and when they are looking for someone to step in and to help make sense of what is happening. A common storyline is of a couple who cares deeply for each other but seems to get stuck in what Emotionally Focused Therapy calls "the negative cycle".
My role in this kind of therapy is to act as a guide and choreographer: by experiencing the story which both parties reveal, witnessing the interaction in the room and then helping couples find emotional security in their relationship (trust) while finding new and more helpful ways of communicating with each other. The hopeful result after about 10-12 sessions is a healthier, more caring and devoted couple who is able to not only love deeper, but fight more fairly and lovingly.
The reality is that all couples will fight and that conflict will always need to be managed in some way, shape or form. So if you are reading this because you are in the midst of a relationship dispute; take heart, because you are not alone.
One key to creating a more welcoming and safe relationship is reaching out. First to your love and then to someone who is able and willing to wade into your "stuff" in order to help you figure out how you got stuck, what kind of relationship you want to have and what you need to do in order to get "un-stuck". The process is often messy, sometimes filled tears and is a beautiful dance which may start out on a flat note but through time sounds more harmonious as the weeks pass by.
Another important aspect of managing this conflict is coming to an understanding with the person who you are reaching out to. Assure them that you are committed to your love and to the relationship in which you both an active part of! Knowing that the one who is at odds with you from time to time, yet still deeply devoted to you makes all the difference in the world.
And finally, if I were to add any further advice: it would be to accept that the person you love will not always be the person you had known them to be in the past. As human beings, we are constantly changing and evolving. To expect that the person you committed yourself to would stay stagnant would be demanding that they cease to grow. The hope is that together, you can both become better versions of yourselves because of the bond that holds you both together.
In terms of resources, I highly recommend two books: The first is called "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman. The second is called "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnston.
And if you're ever in the Sudbury area and are looking for someone to help you along the way through counselling or psychotherapy services,, I am only a phone call or email away.
Until next time,